My son Seamus wears a dress.
Actually he has two: a dark pink long-sleeved ballerina number with a leotard top and a short sleeved princess dress with pearls and ribbons. They are both pilled and stained, and they disintegrate a little more with each wash. The dresses were already well loved by his cousin Leah before they were passed on to us last Christmas. We planned on storing them up in the attic to await baby Madeline’s Fancy Nancy stage, but Seamus seized them right out of the box and pointed out that they were just his size. There was no telling him that the dresses were for Madeline.
Now, both dresses are a little snug and I warn him each time I squeeze his sturdy body into one of them that this might be the last time.
But for now, and as long as it fits, he rocks out an urban princess look that is all his own — tutu, leggings, running shoes — at least once a week. People don’t recognize him. The crossing guard asks if we have a friend visiting. Others say things like “What a beautiful little girl.” On Facebook, I posted a picture of Seamus and his sister Rosena both wearing dresses and lots of friends thought Madeline had grown up extra fast. They just saw the dress, not the kid wearing it.
Patrick and I don’t let him wear the dresses every day — they get filthy really fast for one and what’s more it takes extra energy to explain our small boy princess to a narrow world. But it is always a good exercise when we do it and results in interesting conversations. Turns out, lots of little boys want to wear dresses and, for the most part, the parents we chat with try to keep it on the down low. They call it “dress up” and keep it in the house, which is too bad. I think there is no harm at all in letting boys wear dresses in public — in fact, maybe it can nudge our culture away from its gender rigidity.
Research shows that a strict gender education for girls and boys starts at birth. Terrence Real, a family therapist and author of “I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression,” cites a study in which 204 parents watch a video of an infant crying and are asked to react. When told the baby is a girl, mothers and fathers both say that the child is frightened. When told they are watching a boy infant cry, they label the emotion as anger. The researchers, John and Sandra Cundry, concluded by writing, “It would seem reasonable to assume that a child who is thought to be afraid is held and cuddled more than a child who is thought to be angry.”
Little boys who cry are told to “man up.” Aggressive and even violent little boy behavior is not corrected or redirected. Little boys’ independence and adventuring is praised, while their need for help and support is labeled “girly.” Little boys’ interest in all forms of violent male archetypes is nurtured and encouraged: cowboys, police officers, pirates, soldiers, superheroes — these men are all armed to the teeth and licensed to kill.
Maybe if we treated more little boys like little girls, boys would not grow up so disconnected from their emotions, so violent and so unable to ask for help. Cuddle your boys. Let them dance around in tutus.
Seamus will say, “I want to wear underpants and a tutu and have a Dar Williams dance party.” Then he and his two sisters will flail around to “FM Radio,” one of the only danceable songs (on her new album, the song is bookended by slow, beautiful tear jerkers, so we put it on repeat).
He talks about gender and sexuality all the time.
“Mama, look at my long hair,” Seamus will say, as he wears a laundry basket on his head, shaking back and forth to feel it on his back. “You are very beautiful,” I tell him.
“Mama, I want pigtails,” he says when we are in the bathroom and I am putting up my hair. I then put his little tufts of hair into rubber bands too. He smiles at his reflection and then pulls them out. “Not comfortable, mom,” he says.
“Mama, I am the mommy and you are the daddy horse. I am nursing my baby horses.” Seamus says this as he plays with his big sister’s horses on our bed. “You are a really good mom, Seamus,” I tell him.
If I were worried about all of this or looking for context or support, I could take to the Internet and find a lot of common cause. There are resources and analysis and communities. There is a great book called “Parenting Beyond Pink and Blue: How To Raise Your Child Free of Gender Stereotypes,” written by Christia Spears Brown, a developmental psychologist and professor at University of Kentucky. Brown encourages parents to allow their kids to be “free to flourish” without a lot of gendered expectations and uses a lot of studies (and humor) to back it all up. She is also practical, giving advice on birthday parties, friendships and television. There are clothing-design companies tilting at the pink vs. blue kid-wardrobe windmills that offer attractive, thoughtful, comfy clothes for kids of all sexes and shapes. (Be warned, however: They are pretty pricey, especially for a family of consummate thrifters and hand-me-down acceptors.) There are parents organizing around school dress codes and for safe (and fun) spaces for all kids.
If I had to guess, I would say that I don’t think Seamus wants to be a girl. I don’t think he will grow up to be a mom. He wants to be a boy with more options. Hey, Jaden Pinkett Smith — who starred in the reboot of “The Karate Kid” — wore a dress to his prom this spring. Seamus’s drawers are full of T-shirts and sweat pants and there just isn’t all that much to get excited about in there. His sisters have options — they can wear bright, colorful, bedazzled frocks some days and clothes that are more function than form on other days. Neither of them have to endure society’s concern/scorn about their gender confusion.
Seamus sometimes thinks that I used to be a boy, or that he might grow up to be a woman, or that our friends who are women are men and vice versa. He asks a lot of questions about who are boys and girls and men and women. He pays very close attention to what people wear. He knows he is a boy and has started to correct people who mistake him for a girl when he is wearing a dress. He also knows that his daddy is a man. He understands what equipment comes with that designation, but he is also trying on gender roles, exploring sexuality and — in play and in conversation — figuring it all out. He is not the only one.
Vanity Fair’s most talked about cover in forever is a portrait of Caitlyn Jenner. But Jenner’s hyper-publicized transformation from “living a lie every day” to feeling “finally free” is about more than one person’s (very expensive) quest for full-realization. It is an opportunity to talk about the intersections of gender and sexuality (and class and race).
It is a conversation I am only just now learning how to have at 41. As I have it with my son and my daughters, with my husband and our friends and people we meet in the world, I am trying to check my straight (but not narrow), hetero-normative biases. I am trying to give my son more than two choices.
I let my son (who is 7) choose the clothes he likes to wear, and skirts and dresses are part of his wardrobe also. It started one October with this bright orange costume skirt. I bought his sister some and he fell in love with the BRIGHT orange. So I bough tit for him. And I never told him no you can’t wear that because it is for girls. He highly enjoys twirling in his skirts and they feel more comfortable he says. People in the beginning didn’t think he should be wearing a skirt but we ignored them. It made him happy. People always mistake him for a girl. But he is old enough now to tell people he is a boy. I told them for him when he was younger but now he is old enough to. He understands 100% that alot of the people in public (children included DO NOT let, approve or understand why HE, a BOY, is wearing a dress or skirt. He has complete support from me and feels safe. He does not confuse himself with whether he is a boy or a girl. He knows he is a boy. He knows he is not a girl. He also has an older sister. She does nails and has the many wonderful selection of clothing. The boys section is minimal. I have always, growing up thought, males should have the same clothing rights as females. Females can cut their hair, Men should be able to have long hair (which my son also does). Women wear shorts and pants, why shouldn’t a man be able to wear skirts and dresses and in certain colors. Why deny. He is still a rough boy. But he also is a delicate caring boy when he there is the need to be. Just As my daughter is the same way. She is caring and delicate when need be, but also can be a rough and tumble girl. We are human. Why deny and suppress to form a society. I hope your son enjoys his dresses. I found more and more people are actually accepting my boy wears a dress and/or a skirt. And I hope you and your son can stay brave and unscathed by those who are don’t understand. Woman had to fight for there clothing choices. And I hope our boys get the same chance to shop and wear what they feel without fear in their hearts they will be judged. It makes no one less of a person, gender or what have you.
I am still seeking guidance but I feel you are right. Some girls are tomboys and they do not grow up to be gay. Society is the one that says pink is for girls blue is for boys. Who made up these dumb rules anyway? I do not want my son to be gay and I hope he is not transgender; but whatever he is I love him and accept him for the beautiful person he is.
Nikki, I do hope that you accepting your child as a beautiful person will become a big enough bottom line value for you that you’ll move past not wanting your son to be gay, or transgender. May you be able to let go of whatever your own internalized biases are, and celebrate your child for exactly who that beautiful person will become, and whoever will be your child’s loves. Who made up dumb rules about who we can love, and who is benefitted by “not wanting” our kids to be gay?
A note from someone who did grow up and be transgender: There are more options than just male and female. Your kid may wind up somewhere along the spectrum, and that’s okay too!
Thank you for being a loving and supportive parent. Keep it up, and keep your mind open- gender and sexuality are more complicated than we currently understand.
I cried when I read this. My 10 year old son loves to wear dresses. I am trying not to push him in any way and just let him explore his own options.
So confused between religious beliefs to and gay communities.
Nice to hear it may just be a preference since we are the ones who draw strict lines on what we should all look like.
Young boys & men wear dresses all the time deary. It all started in B.C./early A.D. times where there’s gladiators, Ancient Rome, Greek Mythology, Ancient Egypt. Eh? They wear skirts and variable stuff there. Hence, the only thing I love about these things is that you could be half naked! I f you wear pants you don’t feel freely naked at all. You know…. when B.C. times of boys look cool….. but today is not.
Hi Ho! Frida! While walking through the NYU campus years ago a passerby once accused me of being a lesbian. America is great!
Beautiful Frida. Seamus, and Rosena and Madeline are lucky to have you as their mom.
If more parents were like you, far less people would want to have operations to become transgendered. And, they wouldn’t feel like they were born into the wrong bodies. Thanks for letting your son be who he is…a male who like all kinds of clothing and mannerisms, and also likes his body.
Sandy
You are mistaken. First of all the word is transgender not transgenders. Second of all you used the word in the wrong context. Transgender is an umbrella term that includes all gender varient people including crossdressers and transsexuals. Now, if a child believes they are not what people think they should be, they will grow up to be a transsexual. Nothing you say or do will change that. Gender has nothing to do with sex. Sex is what’s between your legs and gender is what’s between your ears. You cannot raise a child to be something they are not. You see being transgender is not something you choose. Being transgender is who you are. Just like you can’t choose what your child’s favorite color will be or not be. You also can’t raise a child to be attracted to red heads or blondes or brunettes. Children are going to be who they are even if they have to sneak to express themselves. You act like children that want a sex change is a bad thing. Why is that? If your child was born with 3 arms you probably wouldn’t think twice about correcting it. Years ago people used to think that if a boy is raised without a father the boy will be gay. We know that’s not true because there are gay people that were brought up with both parents. Sometimes just a father will raise a boy like if the mother died at an early age day, and the boy can still be gay. You know transsexuals have been around for a long time. People today think all of a sudden young children want sex changes. No. It’s just that children today see others come out so they feel they can too. A lot of children get kicked out of the house for being who they are. I don’t think one would choose to be kicked out of their house. You should think a little more deeply.
Thanks for the clarification Adolf.
My aunt first expressed an appreciation of my desire to be a girl. My aunt was wonderfully understanding, sensitive and kind. She dressed me in her old super pretty and frilly dresses and I felt wonderful in them. I helped her with housework. She taught me to iron and to sew. I took ballet classes with the same teacher she did when she was younger. It took decades for me to come to terms with my feminine side but my loving aunt got the process started.
A few random facts—in AD 393 Rome exiled men in pants as political subversives and confiscated their property. In AD 867 the Bulgarians asked the Pope if they could be Christians—even though they wore pants. 95% of the causation of pants is as garments for horseback riding. Originally the garment was twin tubes of fabric/leather wrapped separately around each leg. Eventually these were joined, which is why today we still call the single garment a PAIR of pants. The name “pants” came from Pantalone, the mid 16th century Italian clown. In AD 1664 Louis XIV of France sent 4,000 (male) troops wearing “petticoat breeches” (called “Rhinegraves” in Germany) to the Austrian frontier to assist in repulsing invading Turks. The defense was successful. Fancy garments are about aristocracy, nobility and upper classes—not about females specifically, see images of Sir Francis Drake. The “Great Masculine Renunciation” was caused by the Reign of Terror 1789-1793 in the French Revolution. Fancy clothes on men were identified with political repression—not with femininity. Have a look at what King James wore in 1611 when the KJV Bible was finished. A bit of history about the treatment of women in pants—
The New York Times, May 27, 1876, page 6 editorial titled, “A Curious Disease,” said that trousered women were suffering from “permanent mental hallucination” and should be “treated with the usual methods in use at the best conducted hospitals for the insane.” It called the wearing of pants by women “one of the most painful and terrible diseases to which women are now subject.” The editorial, not written as any satire or joke, but in entire seriousness, said the disease in women was “CHARACTERIZED BY AN ABNORMAL AND UNCONQUERABLE THIRST FOR TROUSERS” and said it “assumes its MOST VIRULENT TYPE” at conventions of dress-reform women. More—
“The presence of one PATIENT perceptibly injures another PATIENT. It is quite possible that the experiment of SATIATING THE PATIENT WITH TROUSERS might prove successful. Were she to be dressed exclusively in trousers, AND COMPELLED TO LIVE IN A ROOM WHERE THE WALLS, THE WINDOWS, AND THE FLOOR SHOULD BE COVERED WITH TROUSERS, it is by no means improbable that after a brief period SHE WOULD ACQUIRE A LOATHING FOR THAT PERVADING GARMENT and, recovering her mental balance, WOULD BEG FOR THE SKIRTS OF SANITY AND THE PETTICOATS OF HER EARLIER AND HAPPIER DAYS. “The DISEASE is not incurable. Mrs. Bloomer, who was one of its earliest VICTIMS, and who SUFFERED from it TO A DEGREE THAT EXCITED THE HORROR OF ALL BEHOLDERS, was long ago thoroughly and permanently cured. What treatment was pursued in her case is not generally know, but the fact that it was successful ought to encourage the friends of all those who are now similarly AFFLICTED. Physicians need to study the DISEASE more thoroughly than they have hitherto done, and were they to take this course, there is abundant reason to hope they would soon discover the proper method of treatment, AND WOULD BANISH FROM THE COMMUNITY ONE OF THE MOST PAINFUL AND TERRIBLE DISEASES TO WHICH WOMEN ARE NOW SUBJECT.”
You need to consult historians—not psychologists—about sex typing of garments. It’s almost entirely arbitrary. Look at the modern Greek military, the Egyptian Tanoura Dervishes, British Beefeaters and many more.
Our son is 7 years old and loves wearing dresses. Every day after school he changes into a dress. He loves dancing, playing school with his teddies and dolls, playing with his dolls house but he also loves climbing trees, playing football, playing spy games, riding his bicycle. Once he was due a prize for getting a star at school and we walked into a vintage clothing shop, he asked me if we could go in, and he chose some high heels which the shopkeeper gave him for no charge, he liked some really expensive ones which he couldn’t have, and he used to wear the high heels for about month and now they just lie in the corner unused. He wore a dress to school on world book day and got a bit of criticism from other children but he took it in his stride. Then some days if I try and put a school shirt on that has a couple of frills on the collar he protests that he doesn’t want to wear it because it is for girls. My approach has always been to just let him do what makes him happy and not make an issue of it because sometimes if adults make an issue of it then children make more of it that they would otherwise. Our son is very loving and kind and I don’t think forcing him into being a “boy” would help him in the long run. There are too many taboos around gender already and if we just let children play and enjoy life the way they feel then they will evolve into well rounded happy people. The problem is that we always want to fit people into some stereotype and if they don’t fit we force them and later on in life whatever we have repressed comes out in a much fiercer way. I also don’t think it is fair on a child so young to suddenly decide or convince them that they want to be a girl and start gender reassignment therapy which some parents do at ridiculously young ages, I have heard of it happening from four years old, as many times it is just a learning experience or an experiment on their part. If we let children grow the way they feel happy growing then they will be better people as adults.
I have worn a petticoat under all my dresses since I was 5yr old. My mom and sister dressed me like that after I was caught wearing their petticoats. I have worn a petticoat all my life. It feel right for me to this and my family has let me be a girl forever.
La enagua es una prenda indispensable para usar faldas y vestidos con falda.
Este es mi mejor argumento, y sustento, o soporte racional de por que es mas SALUDABLE, CÓMODO, Y DECENTE QUE UN VARÓN SE VISTA CON FALDAS.
El pantalón fue utilizado para discriminar, y humillar a la mujer; (es la prenda mas exhibicionista y sexista que se haya utilizado; y en especial para el varon, pues la anatomía de la mujer es diferente, y un pantalón en la mujer no es tan INSINUANTE, ni tan exhibicionista como en el hombre. Lo mas decente, cómodo, y SALUDABLE para vestirse un varon es una falda o un vestido con falda.
Por tradición los hombres desde siempre se habían vestido con faldas, solo hace 300 años que los obligaron a usar pantalón.
El pantalón es la prenda menos adecuada para un hombre; el calzoncillo bóxer, hace las veces de férula en los genitales, (propiciando mal funcionamiento, y discapacidades), la costura central del pantalón maltrata, magulla e incomoda todo el tiempo los genitales; la correa o cinturón hace las veces de torniquete, y obliga al corazón a bombear la sangre con mayor esfuerzo, (para vencer la contracción que hace el torniquete), y por mala irrigacion sanguínea afecta: el aparato digestivo, el sistema urinario, el aparato reproductor. Ademas con el uso del pantalón el hombre ha terminado orinando de pie lo cual es totalmente antinatural. Las Faldas y los vestidos con faldas para los hombres son suprema-mente SALUDABLES, CÓMODOS Y CONFORTABLES. El pantalón, el calzoncillo ajustado, la costura central del pantalón, y la correa o cinturón, están promoviendo las enfermedades modernas de los hombres: IMPOTENCIA, ESTERILIDAD, PROBLEMAS DE LA PRÓSTATA Y POSIBLEMENTE CÁNCER DEL TESTÍCULO.
Ninguna parte del cuerpo del varon se maltrata mas que los genitales.
Por salud y comodidad mejor usar FALDAS O VESTIDOS CON FALDA
Este es mi mejor evidencia; y argumento para que le acertemos un buen golpe al machismo, y al maltrato contra la mujer. Y de paso los hombres podamos disfrutar de una mejor calidad de vida, y mejorar la salud; volviendo a usar las cómodas faldas. Yo hace mas de 10 años que tire los pantalones a la basura por la incomodidad; y las molestias que aquí menciono.
El pantalón fue utilizado para discriminar, y humillar a la mujer; (es la prenda mas exhibicionista y sexista que se haya utilizado; y en especial para el varon, pues la anatomía de la mujer es diferente, y un pantalón en la mujer no es tan INSINUANTE, ni tan exhibicionista como en el hombre. Lo mas decente, cómodo, y SALUDABLE para vestirse un varon es una falda o un vestido con falda.
Por tradición los hombres desde siempre se habían vestido con faldas, solo hace 300 años que los obligaron a usar pantalón.
El pantalón es la prenda menos adecuada para un hombre; el calzoncillo bóxer, hace las veces de férula en los genitales, (propiciando mal funcionamiento, y discapacidades), la costura central del pantalón maltrata, magulla e incomoda todo el tiempo los genitales; la correa o cinturón hace las veces de torniquete, y obliga al corazón a bombear la sangre con mayor esfuerzo, (para vencer la contracción que hace el torniquete), y por mala irrigacion sanguínea afecta: el aparato digestivo, el sistema urinario, el aparato reproductor. Ademas con el uso del pantalón el hombre ha terminado orinando de pie lo cual es totalmente antinatural. Las Faldas y los vestidos con faldas para los hombres son suprema-mente SALUDABLES, CÓMODOS Y CONFORTABLES. El pantalón, el calzoncillo ajustado, la costura central del pantalón, y la correa o cinturón, están promoviendo las enfermedades modernas de los hombres: IMPOTENCIA, ESTERILIDAD, PROBLEMAS DE LA PRÓSTATA Y POSIBLEMENTE CÁNCER DEL TESTÍCULO.
Ninguna parte del cuerpo del varon se maltrata mas que los genitales.
Por salud y comodidad mejor usar FALDAS O VESTIDOS CON FALDA